Photography

Me

Photography has very much drifted in and out of my life, along with those who I once loved and was loved by. It became a bystander when my children were born and I am many things before I am a photographer. My mum loaned me her Pentax Asahi, 35mm when I was 15, to recreate a David Hockney idea. I didn’t take the film out properly and it broke and the moment I captured was never developed.I became a keen photographer when my dad finally gave me that camera, a few years after she died in 1992. Eventually I went on to complete a B.A. in communications and anthropology at Goldsmiths. My camera became my home, my go to place when I needed to feel loved, and loved I felt. The feelings I began to experience when I took a good photograph saved me on many occasions. And here I am now writing about my photography and bringing myself closer to both my parents.

I lost my job in the first lockdown, sacked on the spot infront of the whole team of people I worked with. It’s taken a while to learn to live with the humiliation I felt in that moment. It’s not a memory I can remember with ease. From March 2020 I took this time to reflect on my life, and began honing my skills in the digital darkroom, Adobe Photoshop and Adobe Lightroom, using the negative and slides from past lives and photographs I had inherited from my parents and grandparents. I know my narrative is unique and my photographic illustrations are most definitely an expression of my old life and the people that were once in it.

My children have been my greatest teachers and all my artwork is dedicated to them. Anyone wanting to purchase my photography will be able to purchase a copy of my book which will be dedicated to both my children, there is nothing greater than a mother’s love for her children. And now is my time to identify with the photographer in me and let go of all the other aspects of my self that I have identified with. I have nurtured my inner child, I’ve loved her deeply when no one else could. When I hugged her she hugged me right back so tight she wouldn let go. I’ve argued with the wounded teenager in me, infact I’ve battled with her everyday and told her that she is beautiful, clever and loved. The warrior in me has overcome the challenges of our education system that wasn’t fit for purpose and I’ve woven my way through our non-existent mental health service. I’ve done it all alone, without the encouragement and love of my parents, who were once my best friends. In fact this whole project is an expression of my aloneness in the world and the silence that fell upon me when I lost my mum at the age of 17. My experience physically pushed me to the bottom of the social hierarchy.

Creating a mentally healthy family has consumed my life since the birth of my son in 1999 and the morphic resonance that has followed me through time and space means I’m now a patient on the waiting list for EDMR therapy for PTSD. Mental health has firmly embedded it’s self into my life and it’s something I’ve learnt to live with. I’ve let go of many things to create a home that encourages self care and being kind to yourself.

I have been working tirelessly since March 2021, creating photographic illustrations. I hope you enjoy my story.